He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
