I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
