Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
