i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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