ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
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