Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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