forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
