Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
