you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I said "one day" and that day is not today
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
