he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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