does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
