Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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