You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
