He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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