suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
