dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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