3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
