turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
