Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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