Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
this beer tastes like vomit already
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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