Old men and throwing up are my life now.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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