I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
