I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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