So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
