i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
