this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
