is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
