The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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