Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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