While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
