SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
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