Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
