Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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