so that wasnt chicken after all
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
