Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
