my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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