I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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