after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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