I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
My vagina is officially offended.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
