At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
