I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
