Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
