I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
