He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
