your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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