apparently the secret to your success is patron
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
