I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
