what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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