If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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