Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
