weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
