NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
