It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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