every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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